[#BLOG] PROFESSIONAL ASSHOLE

Where I come from, nothing beautiful lasts forever. I’ve been trying to learn how to brace myself for life’s trials and tribulations, but it seems like a task I will never master. I’m analytical, but I can’t find the formula to shield me from heartache after heartbreak. It’s an everyday struggle.

I absolutely suck at communicating… I just hate talking period. I want a mind reader. I don’t want to have to say a word, I just want my woman to know what I want and need and just take care of it and me.
Yeah…I know… that’s totally unrealistic. A boi can dream though…

I’ve decided that if I want a wife someday, I need to learn how to talk to people…women in particular. I don’t like small talk, or chit chatter. I find it hard to have and hold stimulating conversation cause I get bored. And then out of nowhere, I will tell myself to just stop paying attention altogether, because after all she, is just going to lie and leave, so why bother?

Feelings…I used to really be free with sharing mine. I don’t do that anymore. Lesson learned. People take your feelings and play with them like play doh, molding them into some shit that makes them feel better about fucking with you. And I know it is virtually impossible to have any kind of relationship, be it friendship or romantic without sharing how I feel. But I’m really tired of getting my fucking feelings hurt. And these women today are savage as fuck…

People ain’t shit… and it pisses me off cause I’m actually a decent human being.
I’m not some bitch looking for handouts, not some toy to be played with from time to time. I’m just human being who requires a great deal of consistency and brutal honesty. I’m not here to fill any voids or be someone’s void filler. I’m not here to be on a list of fucking cuddle buddies either. I’m here to be loved, unconditionally…effortlessly. If that’s too hard to do at the same time, let’s not pretend or even try…

[#BLOG] CONNECTED

[#BLOG] CONNECTED

When I said I wasn’t going to date in 2017, I meant it. But I knew the Creator and the ancestors had other plans for me. 15 days into the new year, I crossed paths with a woman who has changed my life forever. 10 days later…another. God is funny…

I’m not torn between the two. I love them both deeply, but neither of them…sad to say…are my NOT my wife.

The emotions I’ve experienced in the last few months are EXACTLY why I didn’t want to “date” anyone. While I can’t imagine where my life would be without them, I honestly wonder if I’d been better off had I not allowed myself to be open to the connections…

I have a plethora of “friends”. I have tribes, and family that allow me to be me, with no inhibitions. Thing is, I’m still learning who this Simone is…

I have absolutely no idea what I want or need in my life these days, because I’m still growing into the grown Simone. The one who’s learning to say what I mean, and mean what I say. The Simone who practices what she preaches, yet doesn’t judge herself so harshly. I’m still trying to heal…from YEARS of dysfunctional shit, that it just seems so incredibly unfair to allow someone to deal with my emotional rollercoaster. I simply do not need any help unpacking my bags… or do I?

I am a professional at self-sabotage. Don’t let my small frame fool you. I can push you the fuck out my life without lifting a finger. I know my power; know my strengths. My weaknesses though… I’ve still trying to learn, specifically what they are, and how to limit my shortcomings. Thus, I’ve limited my connections to strangers I encounter because as an introverted empath, people ultimately become a distraction…and when I pull away to regroup, re-energize, and get back on my path, I’m an asshole…

I am mean. I am mean when I am unhappy with myself. I take it out on others, and it’s not fair at all…I own it…I am working on it. And this is why I choose to be single and not in an exclusive, romantic relationship. Growth. 😏

On the other hand, I’m nice. Incredibly nice. I let people come into my life, and allow them to interrupt my schedule, my flow, my aura, and never utter a word.

I find myself in situationships, doing “lover” shit, when there’s no commitment on the table whatsoever. And I “say” I don’t want a relationship…but fuck, I am human. I have…feelings too.

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here I am today…Connected. Loved by and loving two women who I won't marry, and trying to create the most comfortable friendship and friend zone as possible. While one is everything I ever wanted, the other is everything I never knew I wanted. My winter, spring, and summer have been enlightening to say the least. I can't lie, my vulnerability got the best of me. I looked up one day, and found myself falling, and now I've been forced to climbing out of a love I never imagined I'd experience. I'm grateful, I'm healing, and I'm hopeful. What can I say?


Love is a helluva drug…

Billie Simone © 2017

[PHOTO] BRUNCH @ BILLIE’S

something’s missing…

and it’s you…