IF I WERE A BOY
This is the first time I have ever been a woman. It has to be. Because I despise being female. My life would be so much easier if I were born male. I often wonder what I did in my previous live(s) to have to endure this experience.
My brain is male. I prefer to wear men’s clothes and underwear. I accept my body and fate, because the Creator makes no mistakes, but I do not like my body as much as I should. I do not want or need my breasts. My penis envy isn’t as strong as it used to be. I guess I’ve gotten over the fact that I’ll never have one of my own…of my own skin, controlled by my thoughts and feelings. In fact I don’t even own any toys. I take pride in my lesbianism and personally have no need for anything other than a woman’s body and sensuality to get me off.
But I’ve learned to be accomadting. Why? Because I am a woman, and that’s what many of us do. Its expected and implied that we give in, or lay back…and take it…with a smile or tear.
For the record, I am not a stud, dom, ag, or whatever the term is this season. What you see is what you get. I am a masculine woman. For me that means, I am attracted to all kinds of women. It means I give, but I also receive. It means I do not wear makeup, own dresses, skirts, or thongs. But no matter what I choose to wear, estrogen is still in my body. And regardless what my male brain is telling me, my heart and soul will respond in femininity. And I fucking hate that shit.
What I really appreciate about (most) men is their ability to not feel as deeply as women. They have not only the audacity to not give a fuck, but in a way, they are given permission. Men get rejected by women every day and don’t flinch. Women hurt men, and men find solace in another with no remorse. Men have no problem not caring, or getting too attached. They don’t have to share their feelings, or apologize for their cocky and cold nature. This is what attracts women to them. It’s so uncanny.
You would think…when women date one another, they would treat each other like the special beings that they are. But often times, we too, are arrogant assholes, who take each other for granted, and have the ability to walk out the door and never return. And as a woman, experiencing that level of pain is the worst thing ever. But if I were a boy, some shit probably wouldn’t phase me in the least. I hope I learn my lesson so I never have to be a woman again. I look forward to my next lifetime. This one has truly been a ride…