[#POEM] THE TEA

THE TEA

I’m proud of myself
Cause I usually
Keep my feelings
Hidden…rarely do
I share them with anyone else…
So when I decided
To share how I felt
It was a big deal to me
I needed you to
Understand and feel me…
So you see
Your silence speaks loudly
I hear everything
You are saying to me…

However…the Tea?


You said we would be
Friends…
Yet I sit here wondering
If I’ll ever have the
Courage to be in
Your presence again
Wondering if I should
Walk…let it end
Before it even begins…
But I feel you like my skin
And to be honest
I wasn’t sent to be
Just a…Friend

I memorized
Every time you smiled
At me…
A slideshow of your
Beauty in photographic memory
You bring out the
Best in me
And ain’t even paying
Attention to me…
I’m just another
Suitor disturbing your
Peace…
I stare at unanswered texts
And smile to myself
Cause I see I’ve
Left you perplexed…
But I get it…
I never meant to cause
You any trouble…
I never meant to make
You wet…

This scenario
Ain’t new to me
I never let grass grow
Under my feet
When I meet Sistas
Who make my heart
Skip a beat…
Keep a beautiful
Woman next to me…
But I confess…
I am deliberately
Running from our destiny
Cause honestly I
Am afraid of how happy
We could be…
And for once in my life
I need someone to
Fight for me…

Billie Simone © 2016

[#LETSGETSPIRITUAL] – BLESSINGS ON BLESSINGS

PSALM 40:1
I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

Every day I wake up is a blessing to me and those who want me in their lives. So waking up has been the best thing for me recently. Knowing someone is looking forward to seeing you smile or hearing your voice is an incredible feeling.  However, when you are moving forward on your path and journey, there will be many distractions. Work, family, friends, lovers…can give you a false sense of reality and safety. Sometimes we seek comfort in the very obstacle(s) that hinder us.

When these times occur, it is very important to focus on your life’s purpose and destiny. What is meant for you, will find you, if you keep your mind clear of clutter. I speak from experience when I say, you can not move forward if you allow negative energy to consume you. Because we are human, with feelings and emotions, it can be difficult forcing yourself to be selfish, and care more about yourself than others.

I have learned that you must be loyal to yourself first. Only you and the Creator really know who you are and what your intentions are. Often times we are unable to fully communicate with sincerity with others due to…fear. Fear has alway been my biggest hinderance. I’ve never been one to instigate a confrontation or welcome one for that matter. I don’t like to “rock the boat”. I’ve never been one to fully express myself verbally. I’ve always used my writing as my mean of communication. I’ve never had the courage to tell someone they are hurting me…when they are hurting me. Thus, my temper would always get the best of me. And I’m still a work in progress.

 In my experience I’ve learned that sometimes you simply have to say how you feel. You have to be honest with yourself and the people who love and care for you. You have to communicate your thoughts, fears, and concerns…otherwise, how will the people who love and care do you know?

I’ve always been a very emotional person. I am a product of my environment and make no apologies for my life experiences. I see things as black and white. Right and wrong. There is nothing in between. At the same time, I will never proclaim to be something I am not. Or put myself on a pedestal like I am perfect. I am not perfect. But I do my best to walk a righteous path.

  
People will assume, judge, and convict you, and have absolutely no idea who you are. Keeping your head held high, and your faith strong will propel you to a better place. I promise.

When I am being attacked, unjustly accused, abused,
misunderstood, and berated… I find comfort in knowing that the Creator is watching over me. When I am in my darkest moments, when I am hurting, and alone… I am not lonely. Because 1) I play very well by myself, and don’t need an entourage, or human to entertain me. And 2) I am loved, and a child of God… And whatever happens in my life…was already written…  

As I continue on my journey, I look forward to crossing paths with loving, honest, loyal, seekers like myself. I had so much sorrow and disappointment in my life…but it made me the woman I am today.

I am proud of me. I take care of myself, by myself. I have everything I need and want. I have been so blessed and I’m so grateful for all the beauty that is my life today. And thankful for those who truly love and support me…

[#SUITE69] IF I WERE A BOY

IF I WERE A BOY

This is the first time I have ever been a woman. It has to be. Because I despise being female. My life would be so much easier if I were born male. I often wonder what I did in my previous live(s) to have to endure this experience.

My brain is male. I prefer to wear men’s clothes and underwear. I accept my body and fate, because the Creator makes no mistakes, but I do not like my body as much as I should. I do not want or need my breasts. My penis envy isn’t as strong as it used to be. I guess I’ve gotten over the fact that I’ll never have one of my own…of my own skin, controlled by my thoughts and feelings. In fact I don’t even own any toys. I take pride in my lesbianism and personally have no need for anything other than a woman’s body and sensuality to get me off.

But I’ve learned to be accomadting. Why? Because I am a woman, and that’s what many of us do. Its expected and implied that we give in, or lay back…and take it…with a smile or tear.

For the record, I am not a stud, dom, ag, or whatever the term is this season. What you see is what you get. I am a masculine woman. For me that means, I am attracted to all kinds of women. It means I give, but I also receive. It means I do not wear makeup, own dresses, skirts, or thongs. But no matter what I choose to wear, estrogen is still in my body. And regardless what my male brain is telling me, my heart and soul will respond in femininity. And I fucking hate that shit.

What I really appreciate about (most) men is their ability to not feel as deeply as women. They have not only the audacity to not give a fuck, but in a way, they are given permission. Men get rejected by women every day and don’t flinch. Women hurt men, and men find solace in another with no remorse. Men have no problem not caring, or getting too attached. They don’t have to share their feelings, or apologize for their cocky and cold nature. This is what attracts women to them. It’s so uncanny.

You would think…when women date one another, they would treat each other like the special beings that they are. But often times, we too, are arrogant assholes, who take each other for granted, and have the ability to walk out the door and never return. And as a woman, experiencing that level of pain is the worst thing ever. But if I were a boy, some shit probably wouldn’t phase me in the least. I hope I learn my lesson so I never have to be a woman again. I look forward to my next lifetime. This one has truly been a ride…

❤️,
Billie

[#LETSGETSPIRITUAL] FORGIVING AND FORGETTING

FORGIVING AND FORGETTING

Matthew 18:21-22
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

I am a great forgiver. Thus, I am usually taken advantage of. I guess there is a lesson in that, but I suppose I still have some learning to do.

I was raised among women who stayed. They were loyal to their mates no matter what. There have been very few divorces in my family. And those same couples re-married eventually. Some may call it toxic, dysfunctional, and unhealthy. I call it love. I call it forgiveness. The acts of infidelity, abuse, and mistreatment will never be forgotten. But having the strength to forgive is a true gift. I cherish mine.

We all have our stories of pain and despair. We all have our reasons for allowing ourselves to forgive someone that may have hurt us. Be it family, friends, lovers, or spouses we have all been hurt or hurt someone in our lives. Most times the pain inflicted is just…life. Some things are simply unavoidable and just apart of your journey.

I would like to think that no one has ever done anything to hurt me intentionally. There aren’t many people in the world that I dislike on a personal level. Even those people, my sexual predators, and a few former lovers, do not deserve to have hate bestowed upon them. I forgive them, and hope I have been forgiven for anything I may have done to hurt another. Malicious intent or revenge are not apart of my being, so anything I have ever done to hurt someone was not on purpose.

An an empath, I find it hard building friendships and relationships because from the very beginning I can usually feel exactly what our connection will be. I think I have caused serious damage in several relationships trying to prevent something that may not have even happened had I not intervened…marinate on that…

This week I will make a list of all the things I need to forgive myself for, and work towards rebuilding my trust in me. I believe a lot of my inner turmoil comes from the mere fact that I am my worst critic. I am hardest on myself more than anyone, and it’s time I forgive myself for not loving myself better and not having more faith in myself and the Creator. I will also pray for strength to resolve any ill feelings I have within me regarding things I simply cannot change. I will continue to find ways to forgive those who judge me and my people. No matter how hard it may be, I will not let any anger or pain grow in me. I will forgive. I will love. I will live… 

❤️,
Billie

[#HAIKU] LADY IN THE STREETS

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[#HAIKU] WANDERLUST

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