I fell in love
During our first kiss
I know…
That’s some scary shit
But I can’t explain it
It is what it is
And here I am
Submerged in the love
We created…
Perhaps I am
A special kind
Of fool…
You’re nowhere to
Be found
Yet I’m still loyal
To you…
I wonder how we
Could ever start again
If we can’t even
Be friends…
Yet still… It’s something
Telling me…
You are
The One…
I made a vow
And I stand by it
With pride
You’re the only one
On my mind
Day and night
I climb the stairs
Hoping…
You’ll be there…
And if you never
Come and there’s
Someone else
You are meant to love
Fucking…wow…
How will I ever
Erase you…
Replace…you?
When I know
I was made to
Love you…
Proverbs 28:1
The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion.
Although I take much pride in not being scared of shit, I do have my fears. But here lately, I’ve been on a mission to confront them with tenacity and courage. I have been stepping out of my comfort zone more than usual this year, and I must say it’s been very enlightening.
One of the things I think we all tend to do is lie to ourselves subconsciously. Deep down we know the truth. We feel it. Yet, we tell so many lies to ourselves and eventually we start to believe them. We are afraid to face ourselves and our truth; afraid to be who we were meant to be for whatever reasons.
For instance, I thought I was unlovable, and started to believe it. I carried that energy around me, and it pushed a lot of people out of my life. I’ve damaged relationships with family members, friends, and lovers…all because I refused to accept the love that was given to me. It was all because deep down I always feared that no matter how much I loved someone, they would always leave.
I’m grateful for the Creator and his blessings. Somehow, someway, I found the courage to love and be loved again. This new love has propelled me to focus on the things that are most important to me. As I continue on my journey this week, I will continue to walk with my head high, with a smile, and full of courage. And so should you. 😊
This is the first time I have ever been a woman. It has to be. Because I despise being female. My life would be so much easier if I were born male. I often wonder what I did in my previous live(s) to have to endure this experience.
My brain is male. I prefer to wear men’s clothes and underwear. I accept my body and fate, because the Creator makes no mistakes, but I do not like my body as much as I should. I do not want or need my breasts. My penis envy isn’t as strong as it used to be. I guess I’ve gotten over the fact that I’ll never have one of my own…of my own skin, controlled by my thoughts and feelings. In fact I don’t even own any toys. I take pride in my lesbianism and personally have no need for anything other than a woman’s body and sensuality to get me off.
But I’ve learned to be accomadting. Why? Because I am a woman, and that’s what many of us do. Its expected and implied that we give in, or lay back…and take it…with a smile or tear.
For the record, I am not a stud, dom, ag, or whatever the term is this season. What you see is what you get. I am a masculine woman. For me that means, I am attracted to all kinds of women. It means I give, but I also receive. It means I do not wear makeup, own dresses, skirts, or thongs. But no matter what I choose to wear, estrogen is still in my body. And regardless what my male brain is telling me, my heart and soul will respond in femininity. And I fucking hate that shit.
What I really appreciate about (most) men is their ability to not feel as deeply as women. They have not only the audacity to not give a fuck, but in a way, they are given permission. Men get rejected by women every day and don’t flinch. Women hurt men, and men find solace in another with no remorse. Men have no problem not caring, or getting too attached. They don’t have to share their feelings, or apologize for their cocky and cold nature. This is what attracts women to them. It’s so uncanny.
You would think…when women date one another, they would treat each other like the special beings that they are. But often times, we too, are arrogant assholes, who take each other for granted, and have the ability to walk out the door and never return. And as a woman, experiencing that level of pain is the worst thing ever. But if I were a boy, some shit probably wouldn’t phase me in the least. I hope I learn my lesson so I never have to be a woman again. I look forward to my next lifetime. This one has truly been a ride…
I want to start over
I want to try again
I want to be more than your
Lover…I want to be your
Heartbeat and best friend…
I want a second chance
To show you
You are the one for me
I still believe
We were meant to be…
Matthew 18:21-22
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
I am a great forgiver. Thus, I am usually taken advantage of. I guess there is a lesson in that, but I suppose I still have some learning to do.
I was raised among women who stayed. They were loyal to their mates no matter what. There have been very few divorces in my family. And those same couples re-married eventually. Some may call it toxic, dysfunctional, and unhealthy. I call it love. I call it forgiveness. The acts of infidelity, abuse, and mistreatment will never be forgotten. But having the strength to forgive is a true gift. I cherish mine.
We all have our stories of pain and despair. We all have our reasons for allowing ourselves to forgive someone that may have hurt us. Be it family, friends, lovers, or spouses we have all been hurt or hurt someone in our lives. Most times the pain inflicted is just…life. Some things are simply unavoidable and just apart of your journey.
I would like to think that no one has ever done anything to hurt me intentionally. There aren’t many people in the world that I dislike on a personal level. Even those people, my sexual predators, and a few former lovers, do not deserve to have hate bestowed upon them. I forgive them, and hope I have been forgiven for anything I may have done to hurt another. Malicious intent or revenge are not apart of my being, so anything I have ever done to hurt someone was not on purpose.
An an empath, I find it hard building friendships and relationships because from the very beginning I can usually feel exactly what our connection will be. I think I have caused serious damage in several relationships trying to prevent something that may not have even happened had I not intervened…marinate on that…
This week I will make a list of all the things I need to forgive myself for, and work towards rebuilding my trust in me. I believe a lot of my inner turmoil comes from the mere fact that I am my worst critic. I am hardest on myself more than anyone, and it’s time I forgive myself for not loving myself better and not having more faith in myself and the Creator. I will also pray for strength to resolve any ill feelings I have within me regarding things I simply cannot change. I will continue to find ways to forgive those who judge me and my people. No matter how hard it may be, I will not let any anger or pain grow in me. I will forgive. I will love. I will live…
I ain’t no fucking “cougar”. I refuse to accept any label, but I particularly despise that one.
Since I’ve lived in Atlanta, I cannot go anywhere without my identification. I could get away with that shit at home. Here? Nope. I know you’re supposed to take it wherever you go…but damn. To be asked for identification every single time you go into a store, or order a drink at a restaurant is a bit much.
I try to take it as a compliment. Especially when younger women flirt with me. I have come to the conclusion that I will more than likely date younger women as I continue on my journey. Most women my age have children and don’t want anymore. A lot of them don’t work out, or have a spontaneous spirit. Of course it would be nice to meet someone my age or within two to three years younger with the same goals, interests, and desires. I just haven’t met any lately.
It’s interesting dating women ten or more years younger than me. I’ve encountered some beautiful, old souls. But I’ve also noticed the difference in maturity, and priorities.I’m still getting used to being called “Bae” 😏. The babies text “talk” more than they like to have actually conversations or face to face communication. And a few have mistaken me for a “sugar mama”. Needless to say, as I play my part in this dating game, I’ll say it once, and I’ll say it again… I do not pay to give or receive time, head, or love. Furthermore, I ain’t not fucking cougar on the prowl looking for a pretty girl to stunt with. If anything, I’m looking for a boss. So whether you are my age, or young enough to be my daughter, have your shit at least semi together before engaging in any type of romantic relationship with me. You’ll save us both a great deal of time and sleepless nights.
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